Adapted from Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent framework and informed by Internal Family Systems (IFS)

“When both people know who it’s for—and both are free to change their mind—true safety becomes possible.” — Betty Martin

Purpose

This exercise helps you slow down, notice your body’s signals, and clarify how it feels  giving and receiving touch— it is not sexual (although can be adapted in the future to include genitals); it’s about consent, communication, and awareness.

It also draws on ideas from Internal Family Systems (IFS)—a therapeutic approach that recognizes we each have different parts inside us (like inner voices, emotions, or instincts). Some parts want connection, others want safety or distance. Parts work can help with navigating internal consent, and speaking for your need and conflicting desires or emotions.

Before and during this practice, you can gently notice:

• Is there a part of me that’s excited or curious?
• Is there a part that’s nervous, protective, or unsure?
• What would help each part feel safe enough to participate? Any requests from higher Self or for your partner? “I have a part that feels ___ and would like ___.”

The goal is not performance or arousal, but awareness and choice.

The Four Quadrants of Touch (from The Wheel of Consent)

Understanding who the touch is for and who is doing it helps to create clarity and safety.
All  of these are healthy when grounded in mutual consent. Problems arise only when clarity or permission is missing.

Giving: I do something for your benefit.

“I rub your shoulders because it feels good to you.”

Receiving: You do something for my benefit.

“You rub my shoulders because I asked for it.”

Allowing: I let you touch me for your pleasure.

“You enjoy touching my hair; I allow it within my limits.”

Taking: I touch you for my pleasure, with your consent.

“I enjoy touching your hair; you consent to let me.”

Safety & Consent

• Participation is always voluntary.
• Either person may pause or stop at any time, with or without explanation.
  Use words such as “stop,” “no,” “pause,” or an agreed-upon gesture or safe word.
• Choose a safe area to start (eg hands, arms, shoulders, back).
• Consent is active, ongoing, and revocable.
• You can always check in with yourself and say, “I’m not sure,” or “I need a moment.”

Procedure

1. Preparation

• Find a private, comfortable environment.
• Sit facing each other
• Choose a mutually safe body area.
• Set a timer for three minutes.
• Take a few slow breaths together.
• Check in internally:
  “How do I feel about giving?”
  “How do I feel about receiving?”
  “Are there any parts of me that need reassurance before we begin?”

2. Round 1 – Touch for Your Pleasure

• Partner A asks: “How would you like me to touch you for your pleasure, for three minutes?”
• Partner B makes a specific, comfortable request.
• Partner A checks inside
• Partner A begins when ready.
• Either partner can stop or modify the touch at any time.

Focus on body awareness, not performance. Notice breath, sensation, and any internal shifts.

3. Round 2 – Touch for My Pleasure

• Switch roles.
• Partner B asks: “How would you like to touch me for your pleasure, for three minutes?”
• Partner A checks inside, then makes a request
• Partner B touches mindfully, aware of both their enjoyment and their partner’s comfort.
• If uncertain, check in: “Is this still okay?”

Withdrawing or Changing Consent

It’s natural for feelings to shift. Practice language that honors both people’s autonomy:

• “That’s enough for now.”
• “I’d like to pause.”
• “Let’s stop here.”
• “Could you touch me here instead?”
• “I need a breath.”
• “A part of me is feeling uncomfortable; I need to stop.”
• “It would feel better if you slowed down.”

Integration & Reflection (for both partners)

• What sensations did I notice in my body?
• When did I feel most relaxed, guarded, or uncertain?
• What helped me feel safe?
• How did it feel to ask for what I wanted—or to ask to stop?
• What was it like to be the one touching?
• Did I notice any parts of me activated (fearful, pleasing, critical, curious, tender)?
• How do these parts relate to my experiences of boundaries or connection in everyday life? Consider what they may need from you and your higher Self moving forward, or any requests from your partner.
• What might I want to try differently next time?

Therapeutic Note (for those integrating IFS or somatic awareness)

You may notice protectors (like the pleaser, achiever, or avoider) stepping in.
If they are very blended, thank them for trying to keep you safe, and let them know they don’t have to disappear—you’re just inviting curiosity and gentleness. See if they can soften or relax. If not, see if they need something— a request, boundary or moment to breathe etc.

References & Attribution

• The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent — Betty Martin
• This exercise is adapted from Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent® framework and “The 3-Minute Game,” developed by Harry Faddis and refined by Betty Martin.
  Shared with appreciation for educational purposes./li>