Sharing and exploring your sexual fantasies with your partner can provide a great bonding experience, and you may be surprised what you learn. BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism) and other Kinky play, can add a new element of playfulness and spice to your sex life. Here are some suggestions fo getting started.

1. Share Your Fantasies

The first step to exploring Kink with your partner, is to start sharing your sexual fantasies. It’s amazing how much we can keep hidden due to fears of judgement. As a Sex Therapist who has listened to various sexual fantasies, kinks and desires, I can tell you that your interests are probably much more common than you would think. You might be surprised what you learn about yourself and your partner by opening up the conversation. If it doesn’t feel like a safe atmosphere to share you fantasies or you fear how your partner might react, couples therapy can provide the perfect space for having these conversations.

Here are some tips to get the conversation rolling:

Fill out a Kinky Checklist:

I recommend sharing fantasies in a structured manner. It may help for each of you to complete a check list of various kinky activities you may like to try, and then share your lists. You can find examples of Kinky check lists at the links provided at the bottom of this page. You can also take the BDSM self-test to see what kind of activities might interest you, and compare your results.

Remember to Reframe from Shaming

If your partner shares a kink that is a hard limit for you, or repels you in someway, reframe from judging them. Keep in mind the Golden-rule of Kink: “Don’t yuck, my yum” This does not mean you need to engage in your partner’s fantasy. Remember your love for your partner, and the vulnerability it takes to share their fantasies with you.

2. Bring out the Toys!

If you identified interests that involve the use of toys, it’s time to go shopping. I am listing below some great places to shop in the Los Angeles area. However, you may be surprised what you have lying around the house, or browsing amazon.com if you’re shy. Who knows what a trip to the 99 cents store, or hardware might inspire for the Kinky creative type.

3. Research for Safety

I recommend taking a class, or at the very least researching the correct way to use various toys, and perform certain activities safely.

For example, spanking should be done in a way that is safe, on the fleshy part of the butt, with a warm-up and gradual intensity, avoiding the kidneys and lower back. Likewise, there are proper ways to use floggers and whips, without wrapping around the body. Rope bondage should not be too tight and safety shears should always be handy for emergencies.

Please see the links at the bottom of this page regarding where you can learn some basic safety protocols.

4.  Talk it out before you play

Keep it Safe, Sane, Consensual

BDSM play should always be Safe, Sane and Consensual. This means that parties involved know the risks, safety precautions, and can consent fully. Consent should be Freely given, Reversible at any point, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. (F.R.I.E.S). Be aware that alcohol or substance use can impact consent and safety.

Establish a safe word

Because power play may involve “consensual non-consent” play, a safe word needs to be established prior to engaging in any play. A simple example is “Red”, but you can get as creative as you would like! If you are planning on being gagged or incapable of speaking, a thumbs up or tap can be an established safe word.

If you are the Top or Dominant (the person who is leading the scene) you are responsible for checking in with your partner periodically throughout the scene, reading their body language, and respecting their boundaries. Not listening to a safe-word crosses the line to abuse.

5. Aftercare

Aftercare is an important part of BDSM play. Aftercare involves taking care of the submissive. Aftercare is both physical and emotional. Offer some water to rehydrate your partner, and a snack if they need it. If there are any wounds that need tending to, then tend to them. For example, you might want to rub ointment on a red bottom.

It is also normal for strong emotions to come up during and after scene. Check in with your submissive, and ask them what they need and how they are feeling. Do they need to cuddle? A warm blanket or shower? A light massage? You can also process the scene. What did each of you enjoy? What might you like to do differently next time?

Bottom Line

BDSM can be a fun way to connect with your partner and introduce creativity and intensity into your sex life. Keep in mind that Communication and Safety is the foundation of BDSM play. Open up the conversation, do your research, establish boundaries, check-in with your partner, and have fun!

Helpful Links:

Get Communication Going:

  • Yes/No/Maybe list – I like this website because it offers two list options. One for newbies to BDSM, and a more advanced list. A quick google search and you can find various lists.

http://sunnymegatron.com/consent-sexual-boundaries-yesnomaybe/

  • The BDSM test- find out what “kind” of kinkster you are. Compare how you differ from your partner.

https://bdsmtest.org/.

Safety:

Classes in the Los Angeles Area:

You can find BDSM 101 classes, rope tying courses, support groups and social events at the following dungeons…

Places to Shop:

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Meghan Arroyo, LMFT

Meghan Arroyo, LMFT

Free 15 Minute Consult